Alaskan Outlaw
Many years later, looking back on my life…

So, many of you have asked me why I have chosen to bring all this to the surface at this point in my life? Or, you have asked, “Aren’t you afraid of being punished for the crimes you have mentioned here?” (more…)

OK, so I’ve identified when I turned, I’ve clearly isolated the factors involved in making me turn, now comes the hard part… I need to evaluate what factors still exist, and where am I applying the same pressures that were applied to me. As far as the controlling father portion goes, I’m the opposite, easy and laid back, simply providing the enforcement of rules set forth by my wife. Is this unfair? Yes. Does this force my wife to always be the bad guy? Yes. The definition of the absence of power, I am.

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The road. That’s where I truly discover who and what I am. Miles ridden through extreme weather, with just me and the motorcycle I am riding. As the open road passed just inches beneath my feet my mind drifted back to the times when the road ahead was dark and uncertain. It is there that I found solace; I found the peace necessary to probe deep into the recesses of my memories.

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Outlaw. What exactly is an outlaw? What makes up the mental framework of people who decide to become and live the life of an outlaw? These are questions that many ask, yet a very select few can really answer. I’ve heard so many answers I had to go back to the Merriam-Websters dictionary to remember the true definition:
Pronunciation: \ˈaut-ˌlo\
1 : a person excluded from the benefit or protection of the law 2 a : a lawless person or a fugitive from the law b : a person or organization under a ban or restriction c : one that is unconventional or rebellious 3 : an animal (as a horse) that is wild and unmanageable

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When did it happen? When did the sweet, innocent boy get changed into the animal? This question has stirred me for many years. Being a normal boy growing up, it has always perplexed me as to where the turn happened; I have been solidly searching for five years now. In earnest, I started searching about a year ago when I stumbled upon on old flame. This is quite an understatement as I believed in those days, that we were destined to be together. In many ways, she knew me much better than I knew myself.
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The other extreme end of the passion spectrum is that of fire, or those feelings that seem to make the heart beat faster and the breaths come shorter and more rapidly. I have found myself to be quickly engulfed in what I thought was love, but later only discovered there to be lust, however the three ladies identified here each provided something so important in who I’ve become as a man and as a significant other. The powers that drove me to connect with these women, in some cases faded after being intimate or becoming too close, in other cases laid the foundation of embers that ignited the fires for the following stages. This was the education of love… As I have reviewed my life from loves perspective, three key factors and people stick out in my mind.

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As a veteran of many different obstacles in my life, I find myself struggling with the heart and I am convinced that I am incapable of understanding it. A former sniper in the USMC, I saw and tasted death, even when there were no “official” wars, we sought out and found violence even amongst ourselves. Again in the times after the service, I served with honor, several motorcycle clubs with the use of my fists or knives, I knew death, he was a close and dear friend. I should explain that I have never been a small or fragile individual, and know that I have a certain level of intimidation built-in with my now six feet, two hundred and fifty pound frame of which very little shakes of body fat. I have felt human life slip from its earthly bounds, between my bare hands; the memory haunts me today, many years later. Yea, I know hate. Internal understanding of the truth was elusive as I sought to remain anonymous within society, a ghost in the machine. I never feared retribution or retaliation, my mind so full of rage and the negative emotion of fast tracked hate, in my mind, I was death.
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